Do you ever go through those times when you look in your soul and the only words to describe what you see and how you feel are expletives? I’m in one of those phases. In no way do I measure up to what I could and want to be.
I have allowed anger to cause rebellion. I have allowed human philosophy to dominate my spirituality. Rebellion and philosophy have almost obliterated my sense of the sacred.
Right now the only sacred thing, the only doctrine I adhere to is “Christ, and him crucified.” Everything else I believed to be true and pure and good has either been tainted by human misuse and manipulation or has been attacked by philosophical rationality. Somewhere during the past two years my basis for decisions has shifted from seeking and following God’s will to my own reason. I consult myself, not my Father.
The only thing I hold to be true—and that in the face of tenacious doubts—is Christ and him crucified. The ethics of the church and the ethics of human thought are gone. People give Pontius Pilate a hard time for asking “What is truth?” I find a brother in that question.
What we do when we have nothing left, only a thread of hope, defines who we are and who we will be. Where and to whom will you turn when all else fails you?
I begin a process of building anew. My foundation is not my habits, the standards held by other Christians, the standards held by any philosopher. My foundation is Christ, and him crucified. What does that mean? It means I will turn to Christ in my choices. It means I must trust in no man, not even myself, to know what is right, except for Christ. It means that I will try to live my life after the cross as Christ lived his before the cross.
I do not look for a good man in me, or a wise man, a smart man, an evil man. I want to see one thing in me when my eye turns inward and that is Christ, and him crucified.
